ACTUAL NEWS ITEMS

* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone
detonating one within city limits.

* A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun
to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

* A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few
days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial
for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His
girlfriend needed, so she had him paged by the
bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a
car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

* When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over cash to an intoxicated robber,
the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.