IF MEN WROTE Advice Columns

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get
enough of you! Knowing that there is
only one of you he can only settle for
the next best thing, your best friend.
Far from being an issue, this can only
bring you closer together. Why not get
some of your old college roommates
involved too? If you are still
apprehensive, maybe you should
let him be with your friends without
you. If you're still not sure then just
perform oral sex on him and cook him a
nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight
and gives a great glow to your skin.
Interestingly, men know this. His offer
to allow you to perform oral sex on him
is totally selfless. This shows he loves
you. The best thing to do is to thank
him by performing it twice a day: then
cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior
and it should be encouraged. The man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his
prowess with other men. A night out
chasing young single girls is great
stress relief and can foster a more
peaceful and relaxing home. Remember,
nothing can rekindle your relationship
better than the man being away for a
day or two (it's great time to clean
the house too!) Just look at how
emotional and happy he is when he
returns to his stable home. The best
thing to do when he returns home is
for you and your best friend to perform
oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice
meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to
your husband. If you must mess with it
do it in your own time or ask your best
friend to help. You may wish to videotape
yourself while doing this, and present it
to your husband as a birthday gift.
To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral
sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it
up and should seek sensitivity training.
Foreplay to man is very stressful and time
consuming. Sex should be available to your
husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do
not love your man as much as you should.
He should never have to work to get you
in the mood. Stop being so
selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to
him by performing oral sex on him and
cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm
then rolls over and goes to sleep
without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the
problem. Perhaps you've forgotten
to cook him a nice meal